YOUNG people have the best of everything life has to offer and are too entitled to appreciate it, explains 49-year-old Joanna, not her real name:
Good health
The vigour of youth shrugs off the abuses of adolescents staying up all night on Red Bull and Skittles Crazy Sours, but they don’t even do it. They’re all in gyms and drinking decaf with soy milk. They should give their robust constitutions to those who need them, like parents putting away a bottle of wine and a rogan josh for one every night.
Joie de vivre
They’ve got all this energy and they spend it slumped around playing video games until they’re too hairy to move. That zest and zing should be given to older people, who’ve got jobs and hoovering to do. If Gen X had endless enthusiasm and verve the world be a less noisy and more efficiently categorised place, and wouldn’t that be a joy?
Teeth
The next step in human evolution should be to make your first set of teeth last until 30, so once the young have bleached theirs to the point of degradation they’ve got a new set coming through. Which would be appreciated and cared for by wiser minds who would only chew gum all night on MDMA occasionally.
Mastery of technology
It’s easy for them. They only have to pick up a new technology and they’ve mastered it. And what do they use it for? Pulling faces, doing TikToks, or gormlessly binge-watching crap. If the middle-aged had their natural skill, they’d be able to hack their work laptop so the boss couldn’t tell when they were having a little afternoon sleep.
Free thought
Young people have the gift of liberated thought unrestrained by convention and imposed beliefs, and that’s why their ideas are altogether rather silly. It should only be available to older people who could really make a progressive difference in the world by very slightly adjusting existing systems in their favour.
Virility
Saddled with the biological urge to copulate, the young are always up each other regardless of consequence. Meanwhile couples who must love each other or they wouldn’t have stayed married since 2003 barely manage sex twice a year. They should siphon out their hormones and give them to us, except they’re all bisexual now so not those ones.