HAS your daughter brought her boyfriend home? Make sure you grill the f**ker with these questions. You’ll soon prove a toerag like him shouldn’t be anywhere near your special princess.
What do your parents do?
You want to know if he comes from good stock before you give permission for him boning your precious daughter. Dad in a solid little managerial role, mum a heroic frontline NHS worker, is what you’re hoping for. Regret sticking your snout in when he tells you dad runs a hugely successful international business, and you feel three inches tall for flogging your guts out for bastards because there’s still ten years to go on the mortgage.
What are your career aspirations?
You don’t want her falling for some schmuck who flips burgers in McDonald’s, and if the little shit is planning on hanging around your daughter for long he’d better start paying for everything, like you didn’t when you were dating her mum. Ask about his career plans and he’ll say he’s not sure yet; he’s only 18 and still doing his A-levels. Try to steer him into a career in the armed forces. He’ll either be posted to some far-flung corner of the globe, or, ideally, get shot. Either way she’ll never see him again.
What football team do you support?
Pray he’s not some glory-hunting Manchester City fan living in the Home Counties, but instead suffers the misery of following someone local and shit, like you. If he says he’s not really into football, rejoice – it means he’s secretly gay but in denial, so the relationship is doomed. It’ll break her heart, but that’s better than her hymen.
Are you planning on going to university?
You’re already pressuring your daughter into applying for a place at Cambridge, like any loving parent who wants to spend three years bragging about it at dinner parties, so a nice little degree in geography in Aberdeen for him would be perfect. Feel your heart sink and your hopes crumble to dust when they excitedly tell you they’ve been talking about this already and have agreed to both apply to Birmingham so they can still be together. Bollocks.
Do you drive?
Well, you’re f**ked if you are going to ferry the pair of them around, and she’s lost heart in the idea after failing her test twice. Your relief when he tells you ‘yes’, and he’s saved up and bought a little runaround, will evaporate at the instantaneous thought of him banging her on the backseat in a remote car park frequented by doggers.
What do you in your spare time?
Apart from fervently humping your child, that is. Hope he comes out with something tedious like astronomy or calligraphy, which means she’ll get bored and dump him soon, and not ‘Oh, I’m in a band!’, which will result in her being dragged into a rock-and-roll downward spiral of drink, drugs and, inevitably, prostitution.