PHONING in sick due to a heavy weeknight session? Try using one of these pathetic blags to camouflage your alcohol-induced misery:
Migraine
When calling work to claim you have a severe migraine and are ultra sensitive to light and sound, prepare your speech carefully, and also remember to mute the TV. Because when your boss hears the gunfire and explosions in the background he will sarcastically ask: ‘So which Die Hard are you watching to get you through your migraine?’
Norovirus
You’ve been violently sick this morning, which you know is from drinking seven pints of Guinness and five Jägerbombs, but your boss will believe is the winter vomiting bug. Until your colleague Darren, who is younger than you and more able to hold his booze, turns up and asks where you are, and then informs the whole office that you were absolutely off your face last night.
Covid
This is a get out of jail free card, you think to yourself, there’s no way they’ll ask you to come in with suspected Covid. Unfortunately your crushing hangover anxiety is going to get a lot worse when your boss insists that you send a picture of your positive test before agreeing to give you the day off.
Common cold
Everyone thought the common cold was over in terms of hangover excuses when Covid came along, but it has actually emerged as the victor due to the fact that no one can demand proof of whether you have it or not. Put on a croaky voice, which shouldn’t be hard after all those fags you blagged outside the pub last night, and prepare for a day in bed with Netflix.
Your child is ill
Poor little Toby has got a raging temperature and can’t go to school, so you’ll unfortunately have to take the day off to look after him. Blaming an innocent child is a foolproof plan, until your boss angrily reminds you that you haven’t got any kids, and tells you if you aren’t at the office within 20 minutes not to bother coming in ever again.