THOUGHT you’d do a bit of work using the train wifi? Think again, fool. Here’s how attempting to connect will break your spirit in five depressing stages.
1. Hope: Trying to connect
You booked a seat at a table so you can comfortably use your laptop, and this is going to be a highly productive journey. Just got to find the train wifi on the ‘network’ list and connect. Hmm, looks like there are an awful lot of hotspotted phones in this carriage. Why would anyone waste their data when there’s reliable wifi included in the price of their ticket? Weird.
2. Irritation: 17 minutes have passed
Well, this is taking longer than you’d hoped. Why does the wifi symbol keep greying out? It looked like it had connected for a moment there and then the train went in a tunnel and kicked you off again. The guy sitting opposite has been watching something on his phone the whole time. Is he somehow hogging the signal? Selfish, thieving bastard.
3. Anger: What is wrong with this piece of shit train?
More than 45 minutes have passed and you still haven’t got on the sodding wifi. You could crack and use your hotspot like everyone else, but you were promised free wifi and you’re going to bloody well get it. You try connecting for the 578th time, filling out the online form again that wants to send you ‘offers and promotions’ for more shitty train journeys, as if they’re somehow fun and you love cancellations, having to stand up, and last-minute platform changes.
4. Bargaining: Asking the conductor for help
Look, this is stupid. They wouldn’t proudly advertise free wifi if it was utterly f**king useless, would they? There must be a simple explanation, like it isn’t switched on. Flag down a highly stressed conductor as they pass through to ask them about the connectivity, and receive a blank look as if you’d said, ‘Where are the inter-dimensional time portals?’
5. Rage and despair: F**k this I’m going to the buffet for some beers
Consider flinging your laptop down the aisle, or stamping on the foot of the man opposite, and then give up the dream of finishing that report and accept that you’ll have to do it when you get home. You decide to take the edge off by going to the buffet to get a beer, only to find it’s f**king shut, the f**king motherf**ker.