IS life making unreasonable demands of you today? It’s Friday, so you’re allowed to get out of these incredibly stupid so-called ‘responsibilities’.
Getting out of bed
You’re joking, right? You’ve already lurched out of bed relatively early four times this week, and not once has it ended well. There must be some law somewhere that states you’re entitled to remain in bed for the duration of Friday on company pay. It’s not like you’d be productive if you headed into the office anyway. Because it’s Friday.
Looking presentable
Nope, not gonna happen. By the end of the week everyone looks like a beleaguered, dishevelled mess with scraggly hair and unruly stubble, regardless of their gender. Why else do you think dress-down Fridays were invented? There’s safety in numbers, and if everyone looks like a character in a TV movie about alcoholism then nobody will notice.
Going to work
F**k off with that. Although, in the spirit of compromise and needing to pay your bills, you will go to work physically. From nine until five you will remain propped up in front of your computer while your mind daydreams about the epic lie-in you’re going to have tomorrow. Also, UK employment law states you cannot be sacked for spending most of Friday eating donuts and finding funny things on the internet, although we’d check that.
Making small talk
No, just no. Grindingly tedious chat about the weird dream someone’s partner had last night or their f**king loft conversion is impossible to tolerate when you’re this close to the weekend. Get out of it by saying you’ve got an agonising migraine and slipping on noise-cancelling headphones. Consider extending this life-changing ailment to the other four days of the week.
Remaining sober
As if. Fridays offer you maximum recovery time, so you’d be stupid not to make the most of this alcohol abuse opportunity. Start your Friday with beers at lunch – or at least be in the pub by 4.45pm sharp – or a few cans if you’re homeworking, and within hours you’ll be so drunk you’ve forgotten what day of the week it is anyway. By the time you sober up it’ll be Saturday, and you bloody love Saturdays.