TOTAL bastards have responded to the latest tragedy with a sudden interest in looking after their neighbours. 

54-year-old Mary, not her real name, who has never done anything except antagonise those around her, wants to prioritise the local poor people that she described last week as ‘useless bonk-eyed fuckers’. 

She said: “It’s all very well with these foreigners, but first we’ve got to help the little kiddies at home who are going to bed with empty stomachs. 

“I have no personal interest in doing that, but in theory that is what we should do.” 

Retired bus driver and bastard Norman, not his real name, has also discovered a sudden interest in local charity. 

He said: “There are unemployed families on my road that are really hungry, I know this because I shoot at them with an air gun when they come near my vegetable patch. 

She added: “I have previously helped others, admittedly it was by keeping a look out while they robbed a garden centre, but the point is I gave up my time for just a few bags of peat.”