IF you’re trying to buy a plain t-shirt from the shops these days, you’re f**ked. Here’s the type of bizarre nonsense that seems to be emblazoned across all of them: 

‘California University 1966’ 

‘College-branded shirts are cool’, some Asos exec must have thought about ten years ago before completely flooding the market with them. Unfortunately there isn’t much appetite for shirts from your real alma mater of Wolverhampton, so you have to wear one emblazoned with the logo of a made up American college that doesn’t quite sound convincing. 

Random French phrases 

French is a classy language spoken by classy people, so clothing brands have decided that you can put anything through Google Translate and it’ll be considered fashion-forward. A warning not to actually wear one in France, though, where you’ll inevitably get weird looks for wearing a t-shirt that translates into a nonsense phrase like ‘My house is a beach’. 

Asian characters 

Like things even more mysterious? It’s unlikely that anyone in your local Sainsbury’s speaks even rudimentary Japanese, so you can get away with your Superdry hoodie that reads something along the lines of ‘Hokkaido Waste Management Facility’. 

Meaningless political statement 

The fact that the world is going to hell in a handbasket has even caught the attention of marketing people who are using it to make a bit more cash as everything burns. Buying a t-shirt that says something like ‘THINK while it’s still LEGAL’ on it makes you feel like you have incisive opinions about the evils of late-stage capitalism, even as you fill your basket with tat at Primark. 

‘STAY HAPPY!’ 

If you’ve got a cushion at home with ‘Live, laugh, love’ written on it, then you aren’t going to be shy about donning a t-shirt with an aggressively cheerful slogan written in capital letters across the chest. The irony is that you’re probably a miserable bastard yourself, and have chosen this shirt in a desperate attempt to seem like you have a pleasant personality.