MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research. 

In a survey 97% of mental health professionals said that if a patient came to them asking to be made less gay or not gay at all, they would be more than happy to sign them up for an introductory period of 48 weekly sessions. 

Therapist Dr Hatton, not his real name,  said: “My programme of weekend gayness allows many people to control their Monday to Friday perversions leaving them free to enjoy playful office banter about bums and titties. 

“In order to control the gayness I show them pictures of construction workers, sometimes rugby players but most successful has been the weekend retreats at the naval academy” 

“I then ask the patient if he is experiencing erections. 

“Of course, we can’t cure people overnight and in the vast majority of cases it takes years and years and years and years of weekly therapy at £150 an hour. 

Anthony and Martin, not their real names, who recently attended an offsite in Torremolinos felt they learnt a lot and have encouraged others to camp with them in the coming months. 

“It sounds like a lot, but as I always tell them, you can’t put a price on being slightly less gay.”