A STRAIGHT man is confident that, if he were to have been gay, he would absolutely clean up. 

38-year-old Dan, not his real name, from WinUpHill, a married father of two, has never been attracted to men. He is, however, adamant that if he had been homosexual he would have pulled all of the hotties. 

He said “Before I settled down, I did okay with the ladies. Not brilliantly. But women are picky and choose the wrong guys. Gay men would have been well into me. 

“It’s not bragging to say I’d definitely have been able to score Graham Norton and Rylan for one-night things, and I reckon full relationships with Andrew Scott and Ncuti Gatwa. Open, obviously, because that’s how gays do things. 

“Andy, my gay mate, tends to go quiet when I bring it up. He doesn’t really do that well, so I imagine it’s envy. And he fancies me. Finding out I was off the market was tough for him and his community. 

“Why don’t I get approached by men when I’m out? I imagine they’re intimidated by my raw masculinity. It would be a different story if I got Grindr, just to see, but I won’t.”