YOUR 14-year-old is in her room, on FaceTime, telling her best friend in Florida she’s never met of your latest scandalous transgression. What is it this time?
Misgendering
You had no idea her who played Diana in The Crown was non-binary and mistakenly used the wrong pronouns. Your apology was not sufficient, especially when it turned out you meant the one in the new series who isn’t non-binary, compounding a crime which was already ‘basically genocide’.
Colonialism
Discussing what a lovely house Uncle Graeme in Ottowa has got, you are informed that you have essentially praised the British Empire and the massacres of indigenous peoples that white supremacy is built on. He served a cream tea in the garden which makes it worse.
Colourism
‘Lovely eyelashes he’s got, is he Latino?’ you ask about the YouTuber your daughter’s watching, proud of yourself for not saying Hispanic. After several hours of affronted silence, you learn that you denied BenzoDawg his black identity with your Karen assumptions.
Being pro-police
Janet across the way had a strimmer taken from her shed and called the police, who gave her a crime number but never came out because they never do these days. Three hours later you have agreed it’s a good thing they didn’t as they’re an armed gang founded on slavery and Janet would be guilty of state-sanctioned murder.
Queerphobia
Mentioning Shona at your husband’s work was gay but now isn’t because she married a man has your enlightened offspring reeling in disbelief. How could even you be so callous as to erase Shona’s queer lived experience to envelop her in your smothering, bigoted heteronormativity?
Cultural appropriation
‘These samosas are culturally appropriative,’ your son mutters. ‘No they’re not, I asked for the vegan ones especially,’ you reply. For some reason he decides not to take this one further, finishes his chana balti and bottle of Cobra, and goes upstairs.