‘WE need to talk’ is a phrase up there with ‘Guilty on all counts. Take the defendant down’. Here’s what a man will blurt out when these dread words are uttered.
‘Why?’
The phrase ‘we need to talk’ suggest there’s been no specific transgression, just that a man’s entire personality is at fault. By asking ‘why?’ a man’s brain recognises it’s in peril and immediately switches mode to fight or flight, then does neither. It might have been easier to write anniversaries in a little book and feed the cat occasionally.
‘It wasn’t me’
Only dense American crime suspects on The World’s Dumbest Felons admit to wrongdoing before they’ve been charged. Further denials will only compound the problem, and dithering, confused apologies will prove to your partner you do indeed need to talk.
‘I am talking’
This wiseass response is a dangerous high-risk strategy. You partner won’t fall for your unfunny logic and a Richter Scale rant will follow, although on the upside your input will no longer be needed. Other cute phrases like ‘Can we take a rain check?’ might buy some time, but only because your partner will wonder when you turned into an even bigger wanker.
‘You’ve done your hair’
Complimenting a partner on his appearance would normally be acceptable, but when dribbled out as a half-arsed diversion is catastrophically lame. Particularly if a partner hasn’t done his hair, or is unhappy with his currently styling, in which case you may as well shut up and go back to Tic Tok.
‘I don’t feel well’
This will be true, as fear grips your gut, but could be interpreted as unwillingness to participate. Which it is. Only use in a truly desperate situation, such as letting slip that a friend ‘looked nice’, meaning you hate everything about your partner and intend to sacrifice everything to shack up with said friend.
‘I love you’
The last roll of the dice. This reflex sentiment will be welcomed but will only buy between two and six seconds of grace. Your deep love for each other proves that any relationship problems must be hammered out in agonising detail. You f**king idiot.