YOUR dentist is disgusted to hear that rather than living off a diet of toothpaste you have been befouling your mouth with food and drink. 

Dr Jacob Reys Pau, not his real name, who has been in the profession for decades, has never heard of someone having such blatant disregard for their oral health. 

He continued “There’s no point lying to me. I can tell you’ve been eating. 

“This sesame seed lodged in your molars tells me all I need to know. You’ve been chowing down on a burger, gnashing and grinding to get the foodstuff into smaller, more easily-digestible chunks. I suppose you didn’t think I’d notice. 

“Even worse, I found a tiny cavity in one of these upper canines that could only be caused by dangerous consumption, possibly of sugar. Why, for God’s sake, when Corsodyl is right there?” 

Patient Kevin, not his real name, said: “I floss twice a day and visit the hygienist four times a year, a regime he described as ‘sickeningly neglectful’. 

“Before I left, he told to stop smiling because the UV rays from sunlight might damage my enamel. He’s the expert. From now on, I’m getting all my nutrients through a drip.”