A WOMAN who has not drunk for more than three weeks has been alarmed to find she can still make f**king awful decisions without touching a drop.
ESG expert Hannah, not her real name, expected that swearing off alcohol would benefit her health, her skin and her propensity to bugger up relationships, only to have had a disastrous sexual encounter as recently as Friday.
She said: “I’m not someone who should drink. I text, I cry, I snog the barman. So my heroic abstinence heralded a new me.
“No. Last weekend I lost my handbag, missed two trains and paid £60 for a taxi because I made it stop at KFC, then left my front door open and forgot to turn off the gas. Without a single unit.
“Worryingly, my poor performance at work isn’t being hungover on a Wednesday. On nothing but a vitamin smoothie I forgot a client meeting and mass emailed an MC Hammer Brexit meme to 8,400 people.
She added: “And turns out I sleep with my best mate’s new boyfriend on last week’s ski trip whether I’m pissed or not.”
Oh yeh and I don’t even have gas WTF