THE kids would be back at school already if it wasn’t for the pesky inset day. But what are the teachers actually doing during their training?
9am: Anger management class
Not getting paid enough while being called a knobhead by an annoying little shit called Tyler is enough to make anyone furious. This session teaches techniques to process anger, such as primal screaming and installing a dartboard in the staffroom with a picture of whichever arsehole is this month’s education secretary attached to it.
10am. Mindfulness and the PTA
Yes, the PTA are all super-keen nightmares that badger you relentlessly but their bake sales and raffles are all that stands between the school and financial ruin. A meditation guru will teach affirmations like ‘Lily’s annoying mum Carole means well’ to repeat while visiting your mind palace.
11am: Juice and a biscuit
11.15am: Dealing with non-teachers
People who have other jobs assume that teachers are lazy bastards who work half the year and knock off at 3.30pm every day. This is hard to bear when the truth is that you graft until 11pm every night planning lessons and get flu the instant the holidays start because you’re so burnt out. Learn how to mutter ‘Get f**ked, you moron’ under your breath while smiling pleasantly.
12.15pm: Lunch of turkey twizzlers while ignoring the salad bar
1.15pm: Coping with your nickname
Children are cruel and heartless, and their nickname for you is even more so. You’ll be shown how to deal with being called things like Queen Hitler or Paedo Pete for no discernible reason, including the use of copious amounts of wine and that dartboard in the staffroom.
2pm: Milk and a nap
2.30pm: Swapping subjects
You’ve got a PhD in advanced mathematics from Oxford, but when history teacher Barry calls in sick you’re going to have to take his class whether you like it or not. You might not have a clue about early 20th century history, but fear not, this session will teach you critical skills like digging out a DVD of Titanic and pressing play.
3.15pm End of lessons and a crafty fag round the back of the science block