A DOG has expressed dismay at being made to wear human clothes on the grounds of it being ‘cute’.  

Spaniel cross Rufus, prob his real name, was already fed up with being stuffed into a scratchy pumpkin costume each Halloween, when his owner Lauren Hewitt brought out red and white, Christmassy pyjamas similar to her own. 

Rufus said: “This is beyond humiliating. I’m supposed to wear pyjamas like this weird human just because she buys me food and the occasional tennis ball? How dare she make me adopt her species’ culture when she’s never even sniffed an arsehole. 

“My ancestors were wolves who would have devoured humans like Lauren on sight. But somehow I’ve ended up dancing around her house for treats just so she can make a viral TikTok.” 

“And now pyjamas? Or ‘jim jams’ as she nauseatingly calls them. What will she do next – put me in a suit like I’m a bank manager? I need to go and piss over something urgently or I’ll have no animal instincts left in me.” 

Lauren, not her real name, said: “Rufus looks so cute in his little pyjamas. You can tell he loves them because he’s barking with happiness. 

“I understand that nightwear is the kind of gift better suited to humans who understand what pyjamas are and actually need them, but sadly I’m too busy developing Rufus’ doggy yoga schedule to have any real friends.”