YOU’RE moving back home but unlike 99.99 per cent of losers, you’re actually hyped about it. Here’s how you justify that shit:
I’ll never be in
On your wage, living at home, you can go out every bloody night and all weekend. This next few months will be a back-bedroom Bacchanalia of pubs and bars and nightclubs, apart from apparently Khaleesi’s closed two years ago and there’s not really a lot going on in Uttoxeter on a Wednesday night.
It’s like having flatmates
You and mum and dad are so cool with each other now, the relationship’s totally different. The blazing rows are over. Unless the decisive change in the relationship was no longer living together, which you discover after a 40-minute bollocking for a wet towel one day in.
I’ll save loads
Paying a token amount towards bills, you’ll be rolling in cash. A deposit will build up without you even noticing while you online-shop the evenings away. The token amount certainly won’t be £400 more than expected, and you won’t be so bored you’ll have already blown all your cash on a vintage leather jacket for Friday night in Uttoxeter.
I’ll just do my own thing
It’s a big house, everyone can chill. In the literal sense because Dad only has the heating on in one room in the evening and never during the day, so there is literally no option but to sit and watch Taggart which they’re doing again from the beginning.
Getting back to my roots
You’ve been living the dream but now it’s time to live a little more real, more raw, more authentic. However you’re not Snoop Dogg doing a gangsta throwback album. Your previous flat in Loughborough was hardly bedazzling glamour, and there’s nothing raw about a big sofa in your mum’s lounge in Swindon.
I’ll be gone in no time
Like a bird briefly alighting on a branch, you’re here for momentary support. Once you’ve set up your own Depop shop you’ll be flitting off to a cool apartment by a harbour. This is a mere blip, hardly worth mentioning, you’ll genuinely forget about. No way will you still be in your childhood bedroom in ten years.