Soccer journalist Grant Wahl died in sudden and scary fashion recently while covering the World Cup in Qatar. Wahl’s wife Céline Gounder, an infectious disease specialist and epidemiologist at New York University, revealed that he died of an aortic aneurysm.
Later, Stephen “tWitch” Boss of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” died by suicide at 40. And ABC News executive producer Dax Tejera died “suddenly of a heart attack” on Dec. 23.
When someone dies unexpectedly, their loved ones’ world shifts. Without warning. Without time to process. What’s left is substantial trauma.
“When people experience sudden loss, they may feel shocked, disbelief, confused, and even in denial,” says Shavonne Moore-Lobban, licensed psychologist. “The suddenness of the loss may be too much to process and feel too unreal for a person to immediately grasps.”
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Grief is different for everyone, experts say, and the trauma of an unexpected death only compounds that grief.
“Sudden loss can be more shocking and people can feel less ‘prepared’ than they might with expected loss,” Moore-Lobban adds. “However, it is still hard to prepare for anything that is life-altering, whether a person knew it was coming.”
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Sudden death or not, everyone grieves differently
Behaviors around grief vary among individuals, communities and within family units.
“How people grieve is influenced by the relationship they had with the person they lost, also what our religion taught us, what our culture taught us, and what our family taught us,” grief expert David Kessler told USA TODAY earlier this year.
Moore-Lobban adds: “Youth and adults grieve differently based on the resources and developmental abilities that they each have. There are also gender-role stereotypes that impact people’s understanding of how they are ‘allowed’ or expected to grieve and show emotion, based on what has been deemed ‘acceptable’ in society.”
Regret is another powerful emotion that accompanies grief.
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“Even when the last interaction was positive, there can be regret that the last interaction may feel incomplete,” Moore-Lobban says. “Of course, there can also be sadness and anger as a response to sudden loss. Both of those can be connected to a need to make sense of something that may feel nonsensical.”
And don’t underestimate shock.
“Based on the literature, we see that the more common emotions experienced when someone dies suddenly are sadness, anger, shock and surprise,” says Jonathan Singer, director, Grief and Responses to Illness into Late Life Lab at Texas Tech University. “These emotions can then lead to other experiences, such as yearning for the person who has passed away.”
Sudden death, according to some research, can lead to more intense grief reactions, in addition to “higher rates of post-traumatic stress after the loss, especially if they witnessed the death or if they were told the details about the death,” Singer adds.
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How to help someone grieve
If you’re trying to comfort someone going through such a loss, don’t try and minimize their loss nor put a timetable to the grieving the process.
“There is no limit to grief and because it is a cycle or process, it will continue as long as it needs to for the person who is experiencing it,” Moore-Lobban says.
Don’t expect the person to bounce back to who they were before, either. They’ve changed. But they can also be OK.
“Over time, we do see that most people are resilient, meaning that they can continue working and living life with no significant effect on their functioning,” Singer says. “This does not mean they are not experiencing a strong emotional grief reaction at times. They just are typically able to work through it over time and still manage to do the things they previously did.” Holidays or anniversaries associated with the deceased could be triggering, however.
Heartbreaking:Grant Wahl cause of death: Soccer journalist dies from aortic aneurysm
If you’re going through loss yourself, talk about it. This “might mean acknowledging it and being open with someone you trust, about how you are feeling,” Moore-Lobban says. “It might also include engaging in therapy with a mental health provider, which can be individual or group therapy. Talking about it can also occur by writing, meaning a person can journal about how they feel and what they are thinking.”
Also consider activities that might be beneficial. Maybe “going to play golf with friends and telling stories about the family member who has passed may be good for some people,” Singer says. “For others, perhaps it looks like going to do an activity that they used to do with the person.”
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There’s no right way to grieve.
“I like talking to bereaved individuals about accepting their grieving process rather than comparing it to what they think they should be feeling or thinking,” Singer says.
Above all, take care of yourself.
“Grieving is normal, understandable, and expected,” Moore-Lobban says. “We should grieve the loss of another person, which also honors the memory of that person.”
If you or someone you know needs support for mental health, suicidal thoughts or substance abuse call, text or chat:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988 and 988lifeline.org
BlackLine: 800-604-5841 and callblackline.com
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 and translifeline.org
Veterans Crisis Line: Dial 800-273-8255 and press 1 to talk to someone or send a text message to 838255 to connect with a VA responder. You can also start a confidential online chat session at Veterans Crisis Chat. veteranscrisisline.net
Contributing: Scooby Axson and Alia Dastagir
My dad died of an incurable, rare disease.Six months later, the grief endures.
