SCIENTISTS are no closer to developing a smoke alarm capable of discerning between toasting bread and a raging fire, they have admitted.
Despite years of trying, humanity is still unable to create an appliance that does not automatically lose its shit 30 seconds after a bagel is popped down into the toaster.
Professor Max, not his real name, of the Institute for Studies said: “Unfortunately, despite pouring millions into research and development, we are unable to achieve this apparently simple task.
“While, to the human nose, there is a world of difference between a gently warming crumpet and a raging fire that is about to raze your home to ashes, we cannot create a fire alarm capable of telling the difference.
“Until we have a breakthrough, as a species we’re doomed to keep frantically flapping tea towels and jabbing broom handles at them while feeling like our ears are about to start bleeding.”
Renter Emily, not her real name, said: “I disconnected mine the second I moved in, even though I’m in breach of my tenancy, breaking the law and putting my life in danger.
“But I’m f**ked if I’m clambering up on a chair to press the little button and switch it off every time I fancy a Pop Tart.”