ON a packed train you may be forced to sit next to a ‘talker’. Here’s what this psycho will be droning on about as they invade your personal space for the entire journey. 

Their itinerary 

After practically sitting on your lap, they launch straight into their schedule for the day. It’s a series of tedious personal errands, so naturally they describe them in excruciating detail, while drinking an energy drink and opening a bag of Pickled Onion Monster Munch. They offer you one. You don’t fancy it at 7.30am but more importantly you must not be indebted to them. 

Their family 

When they wrongly think they’ve built a rapport, they move onto their family. Their brothers and sisters are ‘no good’, one has ‘money problems’ and another likes a drink. The only one worth a damn is ‘dear old Mum’. She rings during the trip and they have a 10-minute row about a loan of £2. Their mobile phone is ancient. For some reason, their ringtone is Sex Bomb by Tom Jones. 

Their job 

After a thorough pry about your relationship status, gross salary and exact address, they describe the nightmare that is their job. Within minutes you have a vivid impression of what it’s like to work in the bakery section of a multinational supermarket and have heard enough horror stories to never eat bread again. The bosses are ‘idiots’ and there’s a jam doughnut theft problem you’re expected to be shocked and saddened about. 

Their questionable views 

They inevitably have weird opinions. Radio phone-in hot topics like political correctness, limp-wristed policing, pronouns and miscellaneous ‘foreigners’ all get an airing. You feebly try to distance yourself from the racist undertones by buying a KitKat from the trolley but they won’t let you. It’s too expensive and Nestle are part of a ‘wider government conspiracy’. 

Their health 

As you’re ‘friends’ now after 45 minutes’ acquaintance, they trust you to hear their entire medical history. Just as they’ve finished talking you through every lanced boil, drained cyst and inserted suppository you realise you’ve just missed your stop and you’ll have to sit through another hour of this shit before you can head back in the right direction.