When my partner came out as non-binary, I was lucky enough to be the first person they told.

They explained to me that they had been questioning their gender identity for some time and felt that whilst they mostly presented as masculine, they felt that they just didn’t identify with the traditional definition of male, and therefore wished to go by he/they pronouns.

As a gay man, this made me question my own sexuality. If I was dating a non-binary person did this still make me gay? Was I bisexual or pansexual now, as I was attracted to someone of a different gender to myself?

After a lot of internal soul searching and talking with my partner, I came to the realisation of several things that I want to share with the hopes of helping someone who finds themselves in a similar situation.

Firstly, regardless of how I was feeling, the most important takeaway from this was that my partner loved and trusted me enough to be transparent with me about something so personal and that had been kept to themselves up until now. This meant a lot to us both and I think it’s something that should be remembered if someone close to you comes out.

I thought about what it must have taken emotionally to tell me such a personal thing about themselves. The person could be really worried that you might take it the wrong way too – there are far too many people who lack the emotional maturity to appreciate what it means to have someone come out to you and how honoured you should feel to be trusted with this.

Secondly, I realised that the fundamental details about my partner had not changed. They were still the person I fell in love with, with the same hobbies, same sense of humour and same (terrible, sorry) fashion sense as before.

The only difference now is that I know them more deeply than before and I refer to them using the pronouns that represent who they are and reflect their identity. The person they are has not fundamentally changed and therefore, in my experience, the narrative that having someone close to you come out as non-binary or transgender is to “lose” the person you knew before is false.

All too often you read articles or hear people talk about family and friends who came out to them with an emphasis on losing someone and having to re-meet them as their authentic self. I’d say: stop mourning their false, old identity and instead celebrate and embrace the fact that they felt safe enough around you to be open and honest.