DEAR DEIDRE: I ASKED my husband about explicit messages between him and another woman.
But instead of explaining himself, or apologising, he just went mad — accusing me of snooping and invading his privacy.
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He’s 59 and I’m 55. We’ve been married for 30 years.
I was snooping because I’d found a suspicious receipt in his jacket pocket from when he was away on business and it was clearly dinner for two.
There were cocktails and two bottles of wine on the receipt.
He installs electric charging points for cars so mostly works alone but his job takes him away and he sometimes stays in hotels.
He always tells me that he orders room service, watches television then goes to bed.
After I found the receipt, he went in the shower, so I opened his phone and checked his WhatsApp messages.
There was loads of chat with this woman. The dates added up with the meal on the receipt.
The next morning after this meal, my husband messaged her to say he’d been thinking about her all night and next time he visited he wanted to spend the night with her.
Some of the messages described in very graphic detail what he’d like to do to her in bed.
He’s messaged her monthly since, I imagine whenever he’s in her area, but thankfully she makes excuses. I’m upset that he turned everything on me when I confronted him.
When I think of him giving attention to another woman, it hurts me so much.
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I know when he’s up near her place again, he’ll try to get another date but he’ll delete the messages so that I can’t see them.
He is very loving towards me but I think he just wants sex. If I talk to him again, he’ll just say I’m jealous or yell at me. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Trying to blame you, for snooping, is a good way of deflecting attention away from himself.
But you have to talk to him again to understand why you’re not enough for him. Find a quiet moment to explain that this situation is eating you up.
You enjoy a nice life together and a good sex life so what has gone wrong for him?
Do you take one another for granted? Is it the thrill of the chase for him? Or did this woman flatter his ego?
He may not have cheated but this feels as good as, because his attention is elsewhere.
Insist you find support through Tavistock Relationships, which provides counselling at a reasonable cost (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
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